Symptoms

I have been finding myself reacting badly to situations— for example someone does something and I feel like marching up to her to shout and scream at her, “how could you do that!” I’m referring to situations I am unable to rationalize away, and think, Oh, perhaps she didn’t mean to…, or perhaps she did what she did because she was herself hurting, or maybe she meant good in doing what she did. These are situations where somehow, I am just unable to find a way to excuse that someone.

And I’ve been feeling very strong emotions of rage and frustration, finding myself crying out to God in the car while driving, just feeling really, really unjust. Knowing I am to forgive her, deciding to forgive, amidst the overwhelming tide of emotions. Worse still, when I am in the presence of others— I am terrible at hiding my emotions.

Each time this happens, I have felt very guilty about the emotions— I shouldn’t be feeling this way; I shouldn’t be reacting this way; I shouldn’t have reacted this way etc.

Yet amidst one of these sorts of situations this evening, a realization brought an unexpected calm, and strength to go on— my reactions and feelings are symptoms.

Symptoms tell of the existence of a deeper problem— such as sneezing which tells of foreign particles irritating the nasal cavity. In the case of a viral infection, the autoimmune system of the body has to fight off the invading virus. Doctors can only prescribe drugs to strengthen the autoimmune system, or prescribe medication to treat the symptoms.

Knowing that brought peace, because this gave me some insight into the way God deals with us:

1. He has given us the soul of man an autoimmune system, too, in the form of our mind and will, for fighting off evil that can be summed up as people wronging each other
2. He has given us a ready supply of vitamins to strengthen this autoimmune system: His Word the Bible. If I were to apply what He says diligently in relating to people, I would react better
3. He treats the symptoms too, through the Holy Spirit who bears the fruit of self-control or temperance in us— so that our reactions are more tempered

But beyond all these was the realization that God’s ways surpass the ability of doctors. Where doctors are often unable to treat the root cause of diseases apart from going via all these roundabout means, God can and is committed to bringing healing to the deep, hurting parts of us (which may be hidden from our knowledge).

Where we see only the emotional reactions and outward symptoms, God sees the reasons why we hurt and has His plan for our journey toward healing. Tonight, God told me that he sees deep inside me, that beyond changing my behaviour and reactions on the outside, He is concerned about healing me deep inside.

I want to be whole, I want to be holy. And when I no longer react badly, either on the inside or the outside, then will I know, Dr. Jesus has been here.

“… the Lord looks at the heart.”

From 1 Samuel 16:7, The Bible

“…hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us.”

From Romans 5:5, The Bible